The truth is...

Hello world,

I'm still very much alive just in case some of you thought that I was dead or was abducted. I'm sorry for not returning any calls and messages because I was not in the mood to talk or to meet anyone. So I've canceled most of the outing and gathering plans by telling them that I'm busy but the truth is I'm just staying home doing nothing. Please don't feel offended, I just thought that I really need those moments alone and stay in my comfort zone for a little while.

I'd been doing a lot of thinking, or so I call it. Someone once said, everyone did lost their way in life at some point of time. But I think I'm constantly on the search. I don't know where is my life heading to and what am I going to do next. I always don't. As age catches up, this is actually very frustrating. Friends offer their ears, especially when you are studying psychology, you have sensitive friends who notice the changes in you. The thing is, I never like to talk about it. because I know when I start talking I will break down. I may look perfectly ok on the outside but in this whole wide world, I'm the only one who knows that 'hey, you're not okay!' I think that's a defense mechanism, it sealed everything that I do not wish to touch in a bag and cover it up with a cheerful face.

It's funny how I got so thirsty everytime I came home from a gathering or a drinks with friends. Because I talked ALOT when I'm out. By cracking jokes with them, it makes everyone believe that I'm actually okay, including myself. but when I'm back home, back to my room when everyone else were taken away from the picture, I'm actually back to square one. The feeling is like a superstar standing on the stage enjoying the cheers and applauses from the audience but when he step down from the stage he is back to one person, alone. The contrast feeling in between is so huge that it can kill. It's okay if this doesn't sound sane to you but it makes perfect sense to me.

I believe that everything happened for a reason and I still do. So I can always comfort myself that 'It's ok, there must be something better waiting for me in front', if anything goes wrong. As long as I live up to my own expectation, I don't see any needs to seek for others' approval. Unfortunately, we are not living in here on our own. Approval from different parties give us the sense of security, self-esteem and sense of belonging. Their approval make us believe that we are normal and being accepted. Hence, failure and mistakes are not scary, what fear us most is the disapproval and disappointment that come along with it.

Sometimes I look myself in the mirror, I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I am not who I used to be. There are too many things and feelings kept inside and at some point of time it feels like exploding. At times I wish I could cry like a baby, you know like really crying out loud and so I would feel better but I can't! I just can't!!!!!!! There's a voice inside my head telling me to run, run away from all the things and people I know to a place where I can be who I am and who I wana be. but I know it's not gonna happen.

I am writing this because I hope that at least I can be true to my own feeling and be true to myself. The last thing I wana get is the extra attention from friends. so just read this and keep it to yourself, don't ask me anything. =)







The truth will soon be revealed....